Check Me Out -- I'm Home, and Away From the Horrors....

of 24-hour-a-day Christmas music.

That's right.  I had to go stay in a "mental health facility" (but I usually think of it as a "looney bin," even though I know that's totally un-PC), and just in case us patients didn't feel shitty enough, the place was pumping Christmas music through the stereo in all the common areas 24/7.  And it wasn't even Thanksgiving, for God's sake! 

Plus, it was bad Christmas music -- I heard Mariah Carey more than once.  Thankfully I didn't hear that damn hippopotamus song, because I probably would have ended up restrained, or taken to the "tub room" (I actually don't know what the "tub room" is, but there was a door by my room marked as such and I've seen enough bad movies and House reruns to conjure up images of a big basin floating with ice cubes they dunk you in to calm you down).

As a result of the holiday cheer onslaught, I've put a moratorium on Christmas music at my house for at least another week, unless it's instrumental/ambient or classical (like, no lyrics classical -- not Bing Crosby classical) Christmas music.  Frankly, as I get older, I like that kind of Christmas music better anyway.

I'm not trying to make light of my stay at the Lindner Center (which is really the absolute opposite of a "looney bin" -- it's beautiful, bright, and modern with a very caring staff and doctors, Christmas music aside).  But I actually have so much I want to say about my stay there, what I learned, what medications I'm now on -- and how I got to be in such a crisis state that I had to go stay there -- that I'm still trying to organize it all in my mind.  

I will say that I almost kissed the psychiatrist, though, when she informed my husband that no amount of exercise, "good eating," or other coping mechanisms would have helped me get out of the funk that brought me there. I had to stop myself from jumping up, doing a little dance, and screaming, "I F*CKING TOLD YOU SO!"

But I'm classy, and very magnanimous, so I didn't.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

Court Case Update

The other day, I wrote about a trial going on outside of Cincinnati about a teacher accused of having sex with several of her students.  I wrote about it because the teacher was pleading guilty by reason of insanity, and her lawyers contended that she had bipolar disorder.  At least, I think that's what they were contending.  One article from ABC News had this quote:

[Her] lawyers defended her actions with explanations ranging from her vegan diet, the use of the antidepressants, blackouts from alcohol and even irritable bowel syndrome, claiming it rendered her unable to determine right from wrong.

An article in the local paper indicated the same thing, even saying that the lawyers cited Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (link goes to info about PCOS - I can't find the article now) as part of the problem.  It all seems very confusing, and appears the lawyers were throwing about anything they could think of out there as evidence (but that's just my opinion).  I mean, come on -- irritable bowel syndrome? 

After I wrote my post, I started thinking that maybe I was being short-sighted and judgmental.  I did a search about bipolar disorder and an insanity plea, and found this interesting editorial from the New York Sun, which basically says that bipolar disorder is a "mood disorder," rather than one of "cognition."  When a defendant pleads insanity, her lawyers must prove she didn't know right from wrong -- and that's something that bipolar disorder doesn't do.

I guess the judge in the case agreed, because she found the teacher guilty and sentenced her to four years in jail, with possibility of parole in six months.  Even though what she did was wrong, I think it's kind of stupid to send her to jail.  A few weeks ago, a local businessman who was found guilty of accounting fraud and bilking customers and employees out of money was sentenced to seven days in prison.  The difference in prison terms doesn't make sense to me at all -- but maybe that's why I'm not a lawyer.

On another note, my attempts to stave off my impending depressive crash after a few weeks of hypomania were futile.  The bottom dropped out on Thursday, and I'm still trying to recover.  I guess I'm more of a slave to my chemicals than I want to believe.

Bipolar Disorder and a Weird Court Case

Right now, a big story in this area is the trial of a high school gym teacher accused of giving alcohol to and having sex with five football players from her school.  As the trial progresses and more stories come out, the whole situation gets weirder and weirder and more salacious -- which, of course, makes for great news.

For various reasons, I had a morbid interest in this case from the beginning.  I got really interested, though, when this summer the teacher switched her plea from not guilty to guilty by reason of insanity.  I wondered what kind of mental illness would make her give her students vodka and then have group sex with them -- nymphomania?  Some kind of psychosis?

Oh, no.  It turns out, it's bipolar disorder!  This is what the local newspaper had to say (and, admittedly, it's not exactly the gold standard in hard-hitting journalism):

[Her] attorneys, Charlie H. Rittgers and his son, Charlie M. Rittgers, said [she] has a bipolar disorder and doesn’t recall the incidents.

So it's not only bipolar disorder, it's "a bipolar disorder."  I'm assuming he's referring to the different types of bipolar disorder (see the list here), but the way it's quoted, it just sounds weird. It's like saying, "she had a cough," like it was an isolated illness.  I don't know about anyone else, but I would never say, "oh, yeah, that's when I had a bad bout of bipolar disorder."

The teacher also claims to have no memory of the incidents.  I have no idea if bipolar mania (which I'm assuming is what the attorneys are referring to for the insanity plea) causes blackouts, but I did find this article on bipolar disorder and memory loss. It turns out the two are related -- but bipolar disorder causes problems with recall and details, which is way different than forgetting entire events.  I suppose alcoholism can cause blackouts, but I'm not sure that alcoholism would fly when trying to plead insanity.  This article indicates that alcohol intoxication alone is not grounds for an insanity defense, but it can affect the intent of the person accused of the crime.

I find it interesting that the only drug (other than alcohol) that's been mentioned that she was taking was Zoloft.  It seems to me if she had serious bipolar disorder, she would be on other meds in addition to Zoloft.  On the other hand, taking an antidepressant alone can cause a bipolar person to cycle into mania, so maybe if she was just on Zoloft, it was causing mania -- which can lead to reckless behavior, including drinking and reckless sex.

So, maybe she was in some sort of acute bipolar mania phase when having sex with these guys.  On several different occasions.  The only problem is, it seems like she knew it.

The prosecution presented several witnesses who testified the teacher admitted that she was having sex with the boys, and that if she was found out, she'd plead insanity.  Uh-oh.  This, for me, is where the story falls apart.  There's that old adage that if you think you're insane, then you're not -- when you're really far gone, you usually think you're fine.  If she was going around telling people she was doing these things and she'd just plead insanity, that kind of makes me wonder.

I want to stress here that I'm not saying she's not insane, or had some seriously impaired judgement.  And, there's no guarantee that the witnesses are telling the truth, or interpreting events truthfully.  And, frankly, to send her to jail seems to be stupid, as there are a lot of violent, repeat offenders who should be in jail and aren't (or aren't in jail for long enough).  I feel bad for her, I feel bad for her family, I feel bad for the "victims," and I feel bad for their families.

I also want to stress that information I'm getting is from the local paper and news stations, so I don't know how heavily I can rely on the entire story being told in 30-second sound bites and a few columns of newsprint.

What ultimately annoys me, though, is the idea that the lawyers are asserting that she has bipolar disorder, so she should be excused and absolved of responsibility for her actions (which is ultimately what the lawyers are trying to get the judge to buy).  Maybe she does have bipolar disorder; maybe she even had untreated mania.  But to say that those things caused her to drink alcohol, stand around naked, and have group sex with high school boys on at least five different occasions, seems to be a little shaky.  From what I know about bipolar disorder, it just doesn't work like that.

It will be interesting to see what the "experts" (psychiatrists, I assume) say when they take the stand, which should be later in the week.  Maybe I'm wrong; maybe bipolar disorder could cause this kind of behavior over a lengthy period of time. 

Man, if that's true, remind me to keep taking my meds!

Knitting for the Holidays...and to Avoid a Crash

Since I'm back on the knitting train now, working on my entrelac scarf and another cool zigzag scarf, I was thinking of trying to knit some gifts for Christmas.  Last year I did a couple of scarves for my sister-in-law and for my mom (I'd post the patterns but I have no idea where they are), so I was thinking of doing some cute amigurumi dolls for my kids and for some other small family members.  I got one kit and I'll see how it goes, and how long it takes to make.  I made a cute "Sheldon" turtle a few years ago for one of my girls, and it took FOREVER.  I don't want to be too ambitious.

When I get in phases like this and have about sixty-seven different projects going, I really feel the brunt of my bipolar disorder.  One sign of bipolar disorder is having lots of unfinished projects.  Of course, lots of people have lots of unfinished projects and aren't bipolar, but I think with bipolar disorder, in a manic or hypomanic phase there's a certain urgency to start different things, all at one time.  I know I often start to feel pressured, and want to get lots of things done as soon as I can.  The problem is that after a little while of this kind of behavior (a few days, a week), I crash out and sink into a depressive phase.  This is a pretty common trait of bipolar disorder, too.

I'm trying to avoid that this time by pacing myself, doing a lot of deep breathing, and limiting my caffeine.  One of the most important lessons I learned the last time I had a serious depressive phase is that caffeine is NOT my friend.  I can have maybe one Diet Coke (my Achilles' heel) and a cup of coffee a day, and that's it.  It's better if I have none at all, but when my kids are demanding stuff and the baby is crying, I could do a lot worse coping-wise than grabbing a Diet Coke.

And I'm trying to make my knitting urge work for me, instead of against me.  Instead of getting frantic about finishing all these projects at one time, and starting sixteen new ones for Christmas/birthday/Tuesday gifts, I am trying really hard to focus on one (or two - let's be realistic here) things.  And if I can focus on a few things, maybe I can thwart the pressured thinking and thus thwart the coming depression. 


I guess what I really wonder is:  is the crash unavoidable?  Most of the stuff I look up online seem to just assume that after a manic or hypomanic phase, a bipolar person will inevitably fall into a depressive phase.  How much can I control, and how much does the bipolar disorder control me?  I guess we'll find out.

Family fun with hypomania

I actually have Bipolar II Disorder, which is different from Bipolar I because of the manic states.  With BP I, the manic states are much more...well, manic.  The person has delusions -- sometimes of grandeur, sometimes of paranoia, whatever -- and can engage in seriously harmful behavior or become detached from reality.

With BP II, the manic stages are milder -- they usually involve elevated energy levels, less sleep, rapid speech, and over productivity.  I've always called my hypomanic states my "creative times," because I seem to get a lot of ideas and want to work on art projects or write.

Recently, I've been in a hypomanic state.  I've felt very pressured to get lots of things done -- write a book proposal, tile my kitchen, paint the kitchen, clean the house, etc.  I've also found myself having racing thoughts and talking more than I should.  I also get irritated a lot faster.  I've been pretty productive, so I can't say that it's a totally bad thing. 

My biggest concern right now is what my kids are thinking.  Mommy's really productive right now, in a good mood (mostly), and around.  What happens when the hypomania wears off (which it inevitable does)?  Will they even notice?  Are they too young to try to explain this to?

In general, I want to shield my kids from the idea, and possibly stigma, of my mental illness.  But is that the best thing?  I did a little web research and found a few links:

Parenting with Bipolar Disorder, from Two Trees Media (the "Bipolar Disorder Experts," so they say)
How does a severe Bipolar parent affect kids?  From Livestrong.com (written by a "contributing copywriter")
Growing up with a Bipolar parent, from Associated Content

What strikes me from these articles isn't their content, but their lack of content.  Where are the articles by psychiatrists?  There are a lot of articles about the hereditary implications of being a parent with BP, but not much about the emotional impact. 

I'll have to do some further research and see if I can find some testimonials or researched info about this topic.

For now, though, we'll just keep having family fun (and productivity) with hypomania.

Bipolar pregnancy

I started this blog while I was pregnant and having serious mental health issues.  One of the most frustrating problems I faced was a complete lack of information about mental health during pregnancy.  There's a ton of information -- both online and in print -- about postpartum depression and mental illness in the postpartum period, which is a good thing, but very little information about mental illness while one is actually pregnant.

There are a couple of books on Amazon.com that discuss having bipolar disorder during pregnancy:  Bipolar and Pregnant..., and Ride at Your Own Risk...   The first is more about managing your bipolar disorder before you get pregnant (therefore avoiding problems during pregnancy), and the second seems to be more of a personal memoir.  Both also suffer from the "way too long title" disease.  There is a good book called Pregnancy Blues that addresses mental illness during pregnancy, but it's written by a doctor and it's a little inaccessible to the Average Josephine.

With all this lack of information, I was initially excited to see a new article posted at psychcentral.com titled "Pregnancy Planning for Women with Bipolar Disorder."  The article has good information about how to talk to your doctor about your Bipolar Disorder and pregnancy, what drugs to stay away from, and what drugs may be less effective with birth control (and what drugs make birth control less effective).

Of course, my excitement flagged a little when I realized the article that it is about planning, and not about what to do once you're pregnant (yes, that's what the title says, so I shouldn't have been surprised). Out of curiosity, I did a search on "bipolar pregnancy" on Psych Central, and it yielded exactly two results:  the aforementioned article, and something about teen marriage.  I understand that pregnant women with bipolar disorder are probably a small population, but shouldn't there be something for them?  I was one of them, and it may have helped if I found even just one piece of information about how to deal.  In the world of the internet, where every tiny little personality quirk and population is indulged, how is this population being ignored?

Routine, Interrupted

I'm not OCD; far from it.  I'm not particularly clean or organized or particular.  That being said, we are in the process of  remodeling our kitchen, and oh my, it is driving me nuts.

I should state upfront that I am really excited for the new kitchen.  It's going to be great.  I've worked hard putting it all together, and it's not going to take that long to do -- just a couple of weeks or so, then I'll have a beautiful new kitchen to enjoy.

However...there's something about my routine being disrupted that causes me to totally crash.  I've gone through two bathroom remodels and various other smaller projects, and it's always the same -- it get irritable, depressed, and anxious.  I can't cook anything, I can't really wash dishes, it's hard to get to my refrigerator (at least I still have one, though), and all the contents of my kitchen are strewn around my living room and dining room.  I found my two-year-old trying to eat a beef bullion cube she found yesterday because she assumed if it was in a shiny wrapper, it was candy.  She was disabused of that notion pretty quickly.

Out of curiosity, I did a little web searching on bipolar disorder and routine, and found quite a few articles that talk about how people with bipolar disorder may be helped by regular routines.  I'm not surprised, because a disruption to my routine certainly wreaks havoc with my mood, so it would stand to reason that the opposite is true.  Here are the articles:

From webmd.com:  Daily Routine May Help Bipolar Disorder
From the American Journal of Psychiatry:  The Importance of Routine for Preventing Recurrence in Bipolar Disorder
From healthyplace.com:  Stability in Bipolar Disorder Requires Routine

At least I feel a little justified that I'm not just making up an excuse for my bad mood.  Here's hoping the reno goes quickly.

To DBT or not DBT? -- that is the question

After Lyddie was born in April, I spent some time in an inpatient program at a facility called the Lindner Center in Mason. It helped me immensely, but the doctor there also suggested that I find a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) workshop to enroll in.

Per DBTselfhelp.com, DBT is an offshoot of CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) that combines CBT and Eastern philosophy. It is beneficial for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, self-injurers, and the like. I think the philosophy is summed up with the phrase, "You're okay -- now change."

I found a DBT program here in the area, at Good Samaritan Hospital. They had an unexpected opening for the program that starts next week, so I am going to go check it out tomorrow. It's every Tuesday for 25 weeks.

Come on, people, I have bipolar disorder -- I can't commit to anything that long.

We'll see how it goes. I like the idea of the therapy, but right now, I'm kind of soured on therapy all together. I don't think therapy has ever really helped me, long-term. Why should this be any different?

Bipolar Knitter...back at it

Well, I kind of fell off the blogging wagon around March. I started having early labor symptoms and was in and out of the hospital pretty much until I gave birth in April. But, I had a healthy baby girl, Lydia, who is beautiful, sweet, and easy (thank God).

So, technically, I'm not Pregnant Bipolar Knitter anymore. I think I am going to keep this blog, though, and just rename it to Bipolar Knitter. Look for a new title/logo/etc. I still believe in the spirit of the blog -- bringing information and awareness about mental illness, specifically in women, to the public. This being said, I'm going to regroup and refocus my energies back to this blog and other outlets.

Also, my brain is rotting, so this is a way to try to prevent that from happening. With three kids 4 and under, it's probably a losing battle, but I gotta try!