Thursday, November 3, 2011

That's Me Trying

Several years ago, a very odd musical collaboration occurred between William Shatner and Ben Folds.  If you are familiar with William Shatner's previous musical offerings (his version of "Mr. Tambourine Man" is my personal favorite), you'd be right to be skeptical.  But -- and I say this completely without irony -- the resulting album, Has Been, is actually not bad.  Shatner mostly does spoken word recitations rather than trying to sing, and Folds sets the tracks to music and does some backup singing (along with others, like Aimee Mann and Henry Rollins).  My favorite song on the album is called "That's Me Trying."

Anyway, the reason I mention this (well, really, who needs a reason to mention William Shatner??), is that I've mentioned that I haven't been doing so well in the mood department for the last week or so.  I've gotten a lot of help, thank God, but everyone just keeps telling me, "You have to try!"

I guess I understand what they're saying, but at this point, I really don't even know what "trying" is.  Is it not cutting myself?  Not bursting into tears every hour?  If that's trying, then I'm not trying.  If it's managing to make dinner (which didn't turn out great), managing to drag the kids to the store (which was a big mistake), then I am trying.  Is it updating this blog, and working on my knitting projects?  Then I'm trying.  Is it fighting the "I want to die" feelings?  Then I'm not trying.

You get the point.

My constant questioning has me coming back to that stupid Shatner/Folds song again and again.  Part of the refrain goes, "Above the quiet, there's a buzz/That's me trying."  I think, I made dinner.  That's me trying.  I took a walk.  That's me trying.  I feel like I want to write on the walls, "Look!  That's me trying!"  The only problem is that  I still feel like shit.

So now what?

Note:  part of "me trying" is continuing work on my little octopus.  Did you know that octopuses have eight freaking legs?  That's a hell of a lot of legs.  I'm tired of knitting legs.  But that's me trying.


  1. I'll be scouring your archive of posts and making the random comment :). I've toyed with the idea of my own blog but I doubt anyone would care to read it.

    I understand the 'trying' bit. I get a lot of "just decide to be in a good mood" advice. Yeah. If I could do that we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we? I see from your more recent posts that your stay at the "spa" (as i call it) helped and you are on a new regimen. I hope it works for you.

    I am doing remarkably well with my medication cocktail and sunshine (I have a SAD light but I forget to use it). Perhaps I will take up knitting :)

    Take care and keep writing.


  2. Keep the comments coming! I appreciate it! Yah, I love the people who say, "oh, it's in your head." Well, yes, it IS, but that doesn't mean that I can fix it! You don't tell a person with heart disease, "oh, it's all in your heart."

    And I'd totally read your blog -- sometimes, even if nobody is reading, the writing is really therapeutic. Go ahead and start one!