Last summer, I started to put together a book proposal about my depression issues when I was pregnant with my third daughter. I searched and searched when I was pregnant, and there were virtually no books or resources about depression or bipolar disorder during pregnancy, and it was horribly frustrating. It was one of those experiences that even when I was going through such a sucky time, and I was miserable and psychotic and almost out of my mind, one of the few lucid thoughts I had was, "Somebody's gotta address this issue." That's how this blog was born, in fact.
Anyway, I stopped working on the book proposal for a while (for non-writers, just so you know, writing a nonfiction book proposal is a pain in the butt -- there's very specific information that needs to be in it, it requires research, and it's pretty involved), and am just now getting back to it. Which, by the way, I think is probably a good sign, but that's not why I'm talking about it.
Why I'm bringing it up is because this is the first brain-bending writing I've done in a long time (not counting this blog), and my brain is totally resisting it. I don't know what the problem is, but it honestly is a huge effort just getting through a sentence. I can't find the right words or the right phrases, and nothing seems to sound right. It's really frustrating.
I know all writers go through tough times now and again; there are plenty of times I know I've sat, staring off into space, struggling for the right word or the right way to phrase something. And trying to write with three kids needing this, that, and the other every 30 seconds doesn't help, either. So I think it's a little premature to blame this brain struggle on my ECT treatments -- but I have to kind of wonder. I mean, it's nothing that would keep me from writing, or that's crippling me, but I definitely feel a little foggier, a little denser, than I normally do.
Maybe I'm just out of practice; maybe it's the lingering depression I'm still fighting. For now, I'm going to blame those things. But if it keeps up, I'm going to have to start wondering if the ECT had more side effects than I originally thought.