Monday, January 10, 2011

Why won't my brain shut up?

I will continue with my story, but I thought I'd save that for another day.

One of the brutalities of bipolar disorder (in case you didn't know) is that your brain never shuts up, unless you're heavily medicated -- and sometimes not even then. (In fact, if you don't know a lot about bipolar disorder, suspect you or a loved one has it, or just want to read up, here is the link to the information on bipolar disorder from the National Alliance on Mental Health.)

Lately this has been an issue for me, even though I am heavily medicated. In fact, a long time ago one of my coworkers told me that I "thought more than anyone she knew." Now, note, she didn't say I was "smarter than anyone she knew," just that I thought more than anyone she knew

These days, I just keep bouncing from idea to idea and can't seem to get a grip on one thought enough to evaluate it and act on it, or discard it as necessary. Then I sort of end up shutting down because there's too much going on up there to deal while I'm conscious, so I just go to sleep if I can. I think in some ways it's worse in pregnancy because, let's face it, just about all pregnant women have a lot on their minds and have at least some level of anxiety. In a way, that's why knitting helps, because at least it gives me something to concentrate on. I'm also trying to keep lists, which at least gives me the illusion of organization.

Oh, and my Noni hobo bag is coming along quite well -- though I've decided that in the future, no matter what, if I'm buying a hank of yarn (rather than a machine-spun package), I'm going to have someone ball it for me. I thought I was going to become homicidal trying to get my yarn into neat balls last night, because everything ended up in a tangled mess.

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